She has this entirely new set of covenants she's made with herself. Something about being ever-merciful, patient, loving, kind and compassionate. When she's not, which is quite often, she is in misery.
This misery is the 'pointer' to return home to her heart.
Embracing her brokenness, she feels everything-- but most of all lonesome. Facing this emptiness sure feels real, like a bottomless pit she's being tossed into, with someone yelling 'TRUST!!' On her way down she might remember a bible verse or two, grasping onto anything that resembles a lifeline.
This doesn't feel brave she tells herself, it just feels, um, like, um...shit.
Scary shit filled with resentment and questions, lots of unanswered ones.
Why do people suck is the main one.
Fortunately, she must teach a class and needs to get clear enough to hold space for others and not project this unresolved emotional drama onto the unsuspecing and wide-open yoga students. These people trust her. And so with this thought, she steps into faking trust and steadfastness until it feels real.
She's in this partnership with the Spirit of the living God. And his side of the covenant is to conform her to His likeness. And so when she's filled with all her undesirable, very human emotions causing deep suffering, He asks her to trust and surrender them...NOW. In an attempt to be obedient, she wipes her tears and just lets go. Just like that she chooses to not be angry and falls sound asleep.
When morning comes, her connection is newly aligned.
God was there in the darkness-- even thougth she couldnt see or feel him.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Thursday, March 10, 2016
HUMAN MOSAIC
Human Mosaic
Good and evil intertwined in a complicated prism
Each action sending off light and dark into unknown direction
Labeling a human evil- far too easy
Evil is not inherent,
but an uncomplicated label for something quite
complicated
Evil is more an act
Not a human being
A Scarlet Letter emblazoned on the chest of all
Inescapable sin manipulated into guilt and shame
Merely pinning an A in Scarlet
on others is an attempt at removal
of shame on the Self
One's own log must be acknowledged
Before identifying another's splinter
A human being is ever-evolving
incapable of description
By such a simple word
Change, our only constant
Evil, a simple cop-out
A world revealing only two extremes
a world of eternal blandness
Yoga: The Greatest Story Ever Told?
I have a yoga client. I guess you could call her that. She lives at the FDC for a crime I know nothing about. And I don't really care. Let's call her Dee. Dee shared an experience in class today about how she has been practicing with me and several other inmates a couple of times a month since October but honestly, she never really understood what the fuss was about. She had no idea if yoga was just stretching or something more, she just wanted to participate and stay active.
The women at the FDC are stuck in a high-rise in center city and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER get outside. They eat, sleep, exercise and exist on one floor of a 10-story building. They have a rec-deck on the third floor where they can see the sky out of the top of a two story space, the top 10 feet of which, is covered in bars. A slice of sky and a few birds flying in several times a day-- that is the extent of their experience with nature while doing their time. It breaks my heart.
I am fortunate to offer a chance to embody a yogic connection once a week. If you have never practiced, I would describe yoga as the chance to merge with the DIVINE alive inside of you, inside each and every one of us. I leave only hoping that other than relaxation, yoga (more on this later) will work its magic in its own time. Today was one of those moments as Dee shared, that I recognized as life-changing or magical, for her and of course, for me.
Dee told us that the day before as she bent over to tie her shoes, she was overcome with the wave of an awful memory of her abusive boyfriend's face and denigrating attitude. Dee was filled with just a moment of self-loathing that after a year of daily exercise, maybe she had not come that far after all. You see, every time she would simply tie her shoes in front of him, he would remark that she was fat and worthless and continue 'just look at you, all out of breath just from bending over'. She took to tying her shoes in a room wherever he was NOT.
Well, on this day, in this moment, she acknowledged the old feelings of shame and looked them straight in the eye and then took a deep breath. Within that breath, she held a new voice, a new memory. It was of me telling her to just exhale and go a little lower, a little deeper into the expression of the pose. As she folded over to tie her shoe, she exhaled and within that place of surrender, she felt a new emotion arising:
WORTHINESS
Dee told us she had never felt such a strong sense of worthiness emanate from her own body before. She often hated her body but on this day, she loved what her body was relaying in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Her tears seemed to mix with our tears as we acknowledged the truth in her exclamation, "I feel like I finally know what yoga is about and for".
I can't help but notice that in all the articles we read about yoga's benefits and life-changing qualities, one could just as easily replace the word "yoga" with "G O D".
-Yoga is making me a better mother, friend, daughter and wife
-Yoga has been a savior to reduce my stress and relieve my anxiety
-Yoga helps me feel more connected to myself and others and less depressed
-Yoga helps me manage my eating disorder
-Yoga eases my desire for my drug of choice and has impacted me staying clean
Some people say going to yoga feels like going to church. Again, I will repeat, your yoga practice is meant to connect your mind, body and spirit in a way that God meant for us to operate. Out of wholeness and connection to our authentic self, we know, REALLY KNOW how much we are loved, how we could never do anything to separate us from G O D. That which we are desiring, is desiring us. What are you yearning for?
The women at the FDC are stuck in a high-rise in center city and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER get outside. They eat, sleep, exercise and exist on one floor of a 10-story building. They have a rec-deck on the third floor where they can see the sky out of the top of a two story space, the top 10 feet of which, is covered in bars. A slice of sky and a few birds flying in several times a day-- that is the extent of their experience with nature while doing their time. It breaks my heart.
I am fortunate to offer a chance to embody a yogic connection once a week. If you have never practiced, I would describe yoga as the chance to merge with the DIVINE alive inside of you, inside each and every one of us. I leave only hoping that other than relaxation, yoga (more on this later) will work its magic in its own time. Today was one of those moments as Dee shared, that I recognized as life-changing or magical, for her and of course, for me.
Dee told us that the day before as she bent over to tie her shoes, she was overcome with the wave of an awful memory of her abusive boyfriend's face and denigrating attitude. Dee was filled with just a moment of self-loathing that after a year of daily exercise, maybe she had not come that far after all. You see, every time she would simply tie her shoes in front of him, he would remark that she was fat and worthless and continue 'just look at you, all out of breath just from bending over'. She took to tying her shoes in a room wherever he was NOT.
Well, on this day, in this moment, she acknowledged the old feelings of shame and looked them straight in the eye and then took a deep breath. Within that breath, she held a new voice, a new memory. It was of me telling her to just exhale and go a little lower, a little deeper into the expression of the pose. As she folded over to tie her shoe, she exhaled and within that place of surrender, she felt a new emotion arising:
WORTHINESS
Dee told us she had never felt such a strong sense of worthiness emanate from her own body before. She often hated her body but on this day, she loved what her body was relaying in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Her tears seemed to mix with our tears as we acknowledged the truth in her exclamation, "I feel like I finally know what yoga is about and for".
I can't help but notice that in all the articles we read about yoga's benefits and life-changing qualities, one could just as easily replace the word "yoga" with "G O D".
-Yoga is making me a better mother, friend, daughter and wife
-Yoga has been a savior to reduce my stress and relieve my anxiety
-Yoga helps me feel more connected to myself and others and less depressed
-Yoga helps me manage my eating disorder
-Yoga eases my desire for my drug of choice and has impacted me staying clean
Some people say going to yoga feels like going to church. Again, I will repeat, your yoga practice is meant to connect your mind, body and spirit in a way that God meant for us to operate. Out of wholeness and connection to our authentic self, we know, REALLY KNOW how much we are loved, how we could never do anything to separate us from G O D. That which we are desiring, is desiring us. What are you yearning for?
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Covenant with the imprisoned Goddess
One day she's mired in her own lonesome loser story, misunderstood, destined for an obit that reads,
Anita rarely left her living room couch during the long, dark days of New Jersey winters. No one called- she had told them how much she HATED to speak on the phone, after all. No one visited- she had no tolerance for chit chat. No one texted- their busy lives and jobs and friends didnt leave a lot of spare time. Only she had all this time...time...and more time. This endless stream of the ever-present now felt interminable.
Anita was known for her deep faith and relationship with the Christ. She devoured books on spirituality, always searching for the common threads. One day in particular she read in Rolf Gates Meditations on the mat, 'Perfectly balanced, motionless in a yoga posture, we are able to catch a glimpse of the intersection of energy, matter and awareness...connecting to a deeper reality'. And she nearly shouted AHA! in the corner coffee shop as she realized YES, there it is plain as day-- this statement describes the Christ: that place where fully human and fully divine merge. Where matter and energy are ONE...you know, Einstein's God formula E=MC2.
Anita rarely left her living room couch during the long, dark days of New Jersey winters. No one called- she had told them how much she HATED to speak on the phone, after all. No one visited- she had no tolerance for chit chat. No one texted- their busy lives and jobs and friends didnt leave a lot of spare time. Only she had all this time...time...and more time. This endless stream of the ever-present now felt interminable.
Anita was known for her deep faith and relationship with the Christ. She devoured books on spirituality, always searching for the common threads. One day in particular she read in Rolf Gates Meditations on the mat, 'Perfectly balanced, motionless in a yoga posture, we are able to catch a glimpse of the intersection of energy, matter and awareness...connecting to a deeper reality'. And she nearly shouted AHA! in the corner coffee shop as she realized YES, there it is plain as day-- this statement describes the Christ: that place where fully human and fully divine merge. Where matter and energy are ONE...you know, Einstein's God formula E=MC2.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Mama puts on her oxygen mask first
Mama's peace.
Mama's come to recognize the value and necessity of self-nurturance, and homeostasis.
All the accolades and recognition don't mean a hoot if Mama's mind is on the what's missing piece.
The gradual journey home begins with that eensy weensie brave step toward trusting there's a sun behind those clouds. If confusion and emotions are tossing her about, she must get still and lean in, lean into the pain, grief and fear (you know the place we generally and naturally want to run from?).
Maybe, just maybe she is all alone. And if this is truly the case...no one is coming to rescue her, no one is going to turn on a light in the dark, or dry these tears. No distraction, sugary dessert, cocktail or habit is going to make her gray sky blue.
She might just find herself tethered to her own sweet soul.
Mama's come to recognize the value and necessity of self-nurturance, and homeostasis.
All the accolades and recognition don't mean a hoot if Mama's mind is on the what's missing piece.
The gradual journey home begins with that eensy weensie brave step toward trusting there's a sun behind those clouds. If confusion and emotions are tossing her about, she must get still and lean in, lean into the pain, grief and fear (you know the place we generally and naturally want to run from?).
Maybe, just maybe she is all alone. And if this is truly the case...no one is coming to rescue her, no one is going to turn on a light in the dark, or dry these tears. No distraction, sugary dessert, cocktail or habit is going to make her gray sky blue.
She might just find herself tethered to her own sweet soul.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
The path a sled makes
The day after snowmageddon hit the northeast, the sun shone and I decided I wanted nothing more than to go sledding. I practically begged my husband and was disappointed in his decline. I turned to my 16 year old son only to hear 'Not really, mom". So off I went sled in hand, outfitted in ski attire.
My first run taken over the already excavated path, I nearly hit a tree but giggled joy the whole time. At the bottom I paused and looked up: the robin's egg blue sky was serene and lovely. The naked, near dead tree branches blocking a clear view, I initially said to them, "Must you block the expansive spaciousness?". When instantly the story changed to -- AHHHHH, you beckon me to love you just as deeply as the sky!! You ask that I not see you as something in the way of glory but a part of GLORY.
The branches represent all the 'troubles' and challenges in life. When we can view them from a place of grounded awareness we might be graced with the big picture.
Climbing back up the slippery slope I stepped firmly and felt strong in my own footing.
The next few runs down, I navigated the trees and squealed as I caught some air. Gliding to the bottom and always just staying still long enough to catch my breath and be filled with gratitude for exhiliration and this amazing life. I realized I was finding balance between riding high and embracing stillness.
My final run I held tight to my sled's rope and forged a new path. I landed rougly against some tree branches jutting up and laughed hysterically at where my little adventure had taken me. I lay there and thought about how being stopped by these trees was fine by me. I resist nothing; I am fierce with reality.
My first run taken over the already excavated path, I nearly hit a tree but giggled joy the whole time. At the bottom I paused and looked up: the robin's egg blue sky was serene and lovely. The naked, near dead tree branches blocking a clear view, I initially said to them, "Must you block the expansive spaciousness?". When instantly the story changed to -- AHHHHH, you beckon me to love you just as deeply as the sky!! You ask that I not see you as something in the way of glory but a part of GLORY.
The branches represent all the 'troubles' and challenges in life. When we can view them from a place of grounded awareness we might be graced with the big picture.
Climbing back up the slippery slope I stepped firmly and felt strong in my own footing.
The next few runs down, I navigated the trees and squealed as I caught some air. Gliding to the bottom and always just staying still long enough to catch my breath and be filled with gratitude for exhiliration and this amazing life. I realized I was finding balance between riding high and embracing stillness.
My final run I held tight to my sled's rope and forged a new path. I landed rougly against some tree branches jutting up and laughed hysterically at where my little adventure had taken me. I lay there and thought about how being stopped by these trees was fine by me. I resist nothing; I am fierce with reality.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Separation is a LIE
Back in May 2015 I was signed up for a weekend training in NYC with Phoenix Rising Yoga therapy.
The day before I had the thought "I Love learning new things; especially about yoga!" and suddenly a new deeper thought came in-- 'This isnt about learning dear. This is about healing." Woah!! What have I got to heal? Haven't I done enough deep work during the 8 months of yoga teacher training I completed in Novemebr? Such a silly girl-- there is ALWAYS more to heal.
Upon arrival our very first partner activity is gently placing two fingers on one another's heart- front and back. As Lea's hand approached my sternum, I felt as if she had to push through a dense block to reach me. After a few minutes of silence and breathing together, she is instructed to slowly remove her hands from me.
I instantly burst into tears. We have only just begun and there are two more days ahead of us.
I go home and sleep like a rock for over 10 hours, missing my alarm. Arriving late to class, I apologize and explain that emotionally I do not feel up to partner work and will observe for awhile. Within 45 minutes I am curled in a ball on the floor and back asleep!!
Suddenly, I am awakened crying and feeling ashamed. I glance around the room and see everyone assisting one another in hip-openers. They are rolling and stretching one another and no one is crying. I hear in my spirit 'The hips hold shame. Release your shame'. I yell in head -- You are not even experiencing a hip stretch!! How in the world are you the one releasing shame??
The crying stops. The emotion passes and we take a lunch break. I head outside to take in the hustle and bustle of New York's Soho neighborhood. I find a tasty Indian spiced potato flatbread and chow hungrily. I am awake, alive, grateful and open.
The afternoon continues uneventfully and I head back to my friend's house on the other side of Hudson.
Sunday morning and I had almost forgotten I would awaken in a strange bed on Mother's Day. I am filled with sadness missing my mom and my children. But my friend had very thoughtfully been prepared this might be the case and greets me with flowers and a card! I am verklempt.
Heading back into the Big Apple, I feel mature and excited for our final hours together. Living in South Jersey and mostly working from home, I don't enjoy these adventures often enough I decide.
It's now about 5pm and we are just a few hours away from finalizing our level 1. We are instructed while sitting cross-legged, to close our eyes and imagine being divided in half, top of head to seat.
My eyes fly open and I am filled with terror as I had felt my body violently sliced in half with a huge machete. I look around. No one else seems bothered. I wait, feeling anxiety rising.
The teacher wraps up and asks if anyone has any feedback. I say with a tremor in my voice what just happened. I then begin to lose sensation in my hands so I stand up and begin shaking them, hard.
The tears come hard and fast and I almost hyperventilate but then return to focus on deep inhales and slow exhales. I say I am ok now and retreat to the ladies room for some water and rest.
As the months have passed since that experience, I have contemplated numerous times what my body was releasing and relaying. My birth father visited me once in the hospital Novemebr 5th 1965 and I never saw him again after that day. I believe there was a part of my psyche that believed it had been ripped from him.
This part was integrated back that day relaying the message that I am healed, whole and fully connected.
The day before I had the thought "I Love learning new things; especially about yoga!" and suddenly a new deeper thought came in-- 'This isnt about learning dear. This is about healing." Woah!! What have I got to heal? Haven't I done enough deep work during the 8 months of yoga teacher training I completed in Novemebr? Such a silly girl-- there is ALWAYS more to heal.
Upon arrival our very first partner activity is gently placing two fingers on one another's heart- front and back. As Lea's hand approached my sternum, I felt as if she had to push through a dense block to reach me. After a few minutes of silence and breathing together, she is instructed to slowly remove her hands from me.
I instantly burst into tears. We have only just begun and there are two more days ahead of us.
I go home and sleep like a rock for over 10 hours, missing my alarm. Arriving late to class, I apologize and explain that emotionally I do not feel up to partner work and will observe for awhile. Within 45 minutes I am curled in a ball on the floor and back asleep!!
Suddenly, I am awakened crying and feeling ashamed. I glance around the room and see everyone assisting one another in hip-openers. They are rolling and stretching one another and no one is crying. I hear in my spirit 'The hips hold shame. Release your shame'. I yell in head -- You are not even experiencing a hip stretch!! How in the world are you the one releasing shame??
The crying stops. The emotion passes and we take a lunch break. I head outside to take in the hustle and bustle of New York's Soho neighborhood. I find a tasty Indian spiced potato flatbread and chow hungrily. I am awake, alive, grateful and open.
The afternoon continues uneventfully and I head back to my friend's house on the other side of Hudson.
Sunday morning and I had almost forgotten I would awaken in a strange bed on Mother's Day. I am filled with sadness missing my mom and my children. But my friend had very thoughtfully been prepared this might be the case and greets me with flowers and a card! I am verklempt.
Heading back into the Big Apple, I feel mature and excited for our final hours together. Living in South Jersey and mostly working from home, I don't enjoy these adventures often enough I decide.
It's now about 5pm and we are just a few hours away from finalizing our level 1. We are instructed while sitting cross-legged, to close our eyes and imagine being divided in half, top of head to seat.
My eyes fly open and I am filled with terror as I had felt my body violently sliced in half with a huge machete. I look around. No one else seems bothered. I wait, feeling anxiety rising.
The teacher wraps up and asks if anyone has any feedback. I say with a tremor in my voice what just happened. I then begin to lose sensation in my hands so I stand up and begin shaking them, hard.
The tears come hard and fast and I almost hyperventilate but then return to focus on deep inhales and slow exhales. I say I am ok now and retreat to the ladies room for some water and rest.
As the months have passed since that experience, I have contemplated numerous times what my body was releasing and relaying. My birth father visited me once in the hospital Novemebr 5th 1965 and I never saw him again after that day. I believe there was a part of my psyche that believed it had been ripped from him.
This part was integrated back that day relaying the message that I am healed, whole and fully connected.
God wants the body to function efficiently and effectively in unity. Therefore, what happens to one part, or what one part does, affects the whole. What we do does indeed make a difference because we are individual parts of a living, spiritual organism. Our actions will produce an increase of good or evil, efficiency or inefficiency in the use of spiritual resources, effectiveness or ineffectiveness. For me personally, the practice of YOGA (union, yoking) has been key in healing abandonment trauma.
To understand this, perhaps we need nothing more than a deeper awareness that, despite the way things may presently look on the surface, our worldview – how we look at life and all its jumble of events – is quite narrow compared to God's. We are not separate from God now or ever. Just as we cannot disconnect from our own arm, we cannot sin or feel enough shame to plunge us into eternal darkness.
Isaiah 60:19
No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the LORD your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.
Once we see things from His perspective, we can see we bear a major responsibility to the body of Christ because God has included us in His great purpose.
Are you spiritually disconnected or knitted into the Body with Christ as the Head? Actually, this would be a more accurate description --to ask your heart all the ways it has hardened from hurt and surrender to resurrected Love preparing a space in you for something new to be birthed this Christmas.
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