What if I lost my voice

if i awakened tomorrow and had lost my voice and could not verbally say the name of jesus
would that change how you know him in and through me?  just because I could no longer use his name, does that prevent me from surrendering to his action in the ways of love, empathy, charity, generosity, prayer, would not my very life, actions and light shining in my eyes not reveal the ONE , the stranger, the OTHER evident in me

i was telling pastor ben that i see it as my job to discern another's fullness of living water-- either you are flowing and alive with creativity, encouragement, respect for God's creations or you are suffering-- and if you are suffering and closed off from this bread of life then spirit would ask of me to ask  how can i help reduce your suffering
how can i love you and listen deeply to your need
there is only God and the need for God
God is either always a trinitarian flow or not
so abba, allah etc include jesus -- they have to
there is only one creator


Religion religio means yoke unite
so does the word yoga
yoga practice a union of mind body and breath
draws us into wholeness
in this space where the mind is no longer bossing us
or filled with anxiety
clarity arises
healing
connection to our deepest truth
this feels like freedom
freedom from self centeredness
freedom from our wounds and traumas
this is the how
religion has been missing for centuries
go to church on sunday
sing, pray, ask to be forgiven but HOW do I stay connected to my source the other 120 hours?
that was my question
other than be of service how do i follow jesus in his path of self sacrifice
the dying to what is false and suffering
how to let go and surrender to the holy spirit's transformative power

I'm done

I'm done

done tricking you, the reader, my friend on the other side of this screen

what i say, experience, share makes little difference in your life

it is what you say, experience and share

you must be the one who rises up in your agency
you are the only one you need to be in integrity for
you are the only one you need to look at in that morning mirror
and say-- well done good & faithful servant

only you can live a life that recognizes your inherent value
yes, you are always being transfigured, becoming more of who the Divine created you to be

BUT...more importantly, GOD announced
****you belong****
when you cheated,
SHE said ***YOU are MINE***
when you had that angry outburst,
HE whispered ****come closer****
when you ran far away or got lost

somehow you have become a foreign traveller in your own being
somehow you abandoned the idea of returning home to yourself
because you feared
there was no one there with the
LIGHT left on for you

There is...

Westboro Baptist, Eye-Gazing + #demsinPhilly

Why would a Christian Yogi Mama head into Philadelphia amidst the crowds of Bernie or Bust supporters carrying her hand-made sign displaying–

We are already connected

Look into my eyes and see

Well, not to face down  the infamous, vemon-spewing  cult, Westboro Baptist, that’s for certain. But when I found myself in 93 degree sweltering heat, it was nothing compared to the hellfire and damnation being shouted from the guy with the mic.  I had never seen or heard anything like this, let alone in the name of Jesus.

Smiling,  I kept my cool, looked the speaker’s sidekick in the eye and mouthed– read my sign.

His not so cool reply? “Get outta hear you fake, effin b*tch!!”

In my best Robert DeNiro from Taxi Driver impression I replied, “You talkin’ ta me?” pointing at my own chest.  His eyes were hidden behind his Maverick mirrored aviators  but his mouth continued to threaten my eternal torment in the nether regions because of my wretchedness and sinful nature.

As others willingly gazed into my eyes nearby, we held agape, peaceful space in a silent connection lasting about a minute each. It felt all the more like necessary resistance as the screaming continued right next to us.

A total of 15 strangers took me up on my somewhat odd offer, saying they’d never done anything like it before but two men had heard of the artist Marina Abramovic’s installation at MOMA a few years back.

Each participant thanked me, hugged me and found the practice quite curious as well as emotionally  moving.  My hope is to continue to offer the eye-gazings as a healing effort toward improving race relations.  In prisons, private sessions, and yoga communities I’ve witnessed intense releases and some transforming of deep pain.

On my way through my City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection, I had this incredible sense of everyone’s innate beauty as I drove past all manner of humanity.  Suddenly the thought of the Westboro Baptist guy’s pain came into my heart and I imagined that he must only see us as ugly, dirty, and worthless. He must be projecting his inner demons and self-hatred onto us.

Then I wept.

As I prayed for this man to find peace in God’s redeeming love, the Holy Spirit assured me that he’d be visited and told from on HIGH to quit his hate and fear-mongering. I will never know if this actually comes to pass, but the confidence I received that our every small effort to radiate love and light is multiplied, returned my smile to my heart.

We each have the power to turn on our inner radiance and share and shine in whatever way makes us feel that interconnectedness to our fellow citizens. From this evening at the DNC–Let’s be the moral defibrillators of our time and shock the nation with the power of love, mercy & justice for all, Rev. Dr. Barber.
 Or as Billy Penn said, “Men must be governed by God or they will be ruled by tyrants.”  

A few friends have participated in a similar activity you can see here http://www.eyecontactexperiment.com

You are the hands, feet, voice and heart of the Living God…be brave!!

this is the yoga

awaken to tired
awaken to stuck
drag body to mat
move
breathe
be annoyed with too happy teacher

ask 'why?"
move /breathe some more
make messy shapes
tip over
reach for the sky

energy shifts

i am one
with the universe
i am one
with all the warriors
who
came before

all the teachers
leading
with the intention
to share hearts,
hard fought wisdom,
healing

stepping out on a limb of grace
i
release my grip
+
plummet
into the marvelous
hum of
chaos

the nest

a group of 10 made strong not by your similarity and commitment to sameness
but by your unique contribution to making the nest's power last
with your promise to do you

your promise to not compromise your voice
your promise to not judge but love when one of you is suffering
your promise to bring light + laughter when there's pain
your promise to put your sisterhood first
which can only authentically take place
when you put your heart first

this lesson in coming back to yourself before offeirng anything
to the group will serve you well

you have seen how you get depleted of your 'you-ness'
when you sacrifice your sense of self
for others

the flow of life begins in your own heart

the flow of love begins in your own truth

the flow of joy never ends

you carry it with you into the world, waiting for you now

arms outstretched...announcing-- take your place
in your earthly home!!  bring your shortcomings, your failure, and fear
bring your nervous, your uncertainty and empty...

in this flow your cry out for a place
draws forth the calm, the sense that life is good
even when it feels really bad

underneath the thoughts, emotions and flow of fret
lives a current
deep and true...a place to settle, rest
sometimes it feels like enchantment other times
you will fight your way to peace
demanding through imagination
alone
that love exists underneath the layer of worldly worry

go inside...beyond the storm, the mind's hustle and bustle
you will find a garden
and in that garden
high in oak trees
there you will spy

your NEST

Beautifully Lonesome

She has this entirely new set of covenants she's made with herself. Something about being ever-merciful, patient, loving, kind and compassionate.  When she's not, which is quite often, she is in misery.

This misery is the 'pointer' to return home to her heart.

Embracing her brokenness, she feels everything-- but most of all lonesome.  Facing this emptiness sure feels real, like a bottomless pit she's being tossed into, with someone yelling 'TRUST!!'  On her way down she might remember a bible verse or two, grasping onto anything that resembles a lifeline.

This doesn't feel brave she tells herself, it just feels, um, like, um...shit.

Scary shit filled with resentment and questions, lots of unanswered ones.

Why do people suck is the main one.

Fortunately, she must teach a class and needs to get clear enough to hold space for others and not project this unresolved emotional drama onto the unsuspecing and wide-open yoga students.  These people trust her. And so with this thought, she steps into faking trust and steadfastness until it feels real.

She's in this partnership with the Spirit of the living God. And his side of the covenant is to conform her to His likeness. And so when she's filled with all her undesirable, very human emotions causing deep suffering, He asks her to trust and surrender them...NOW.  In an attempt to be obedient, she wipes her tears and just lets go. Just like that she chooses to not be angry and falls sound asleep.

When morning comes, her connection is newly aligned.

God was there in the darkness-- even thougth she couldnt see or feel him.

HUMAN MOSAIC

 Human  Mosaic

Good and evil intertwined   in a complicated prism

Each action sending off light and dark into unknown direction

Labeling a human  evil- far too easy

 Evil is not inherent,

 but an uncomplicated label for something quite

complicated 

Evil is more an act

Not a human being

A Scarlet Letter emblazoned on the chest of all

Inescapable sin manipulated into guilt and shame

Merely pinning an A in Scarlet

on others is an attempt at removal

of shame on the Self

One's own log must be acknowledged

Before identifying another's splinter

Evil is ever-present and unchanging                                                                                                                

A human being is ever-evolving

incapable of description

By such a simple word

Change, our only constant

Evil, a simple cop-out

A world revealing only two extremes

a world of eternal blandness

Yoga: The Greatest Story Ever Told?

I have a yoga client. I guess you could call her that.  She lives at the  FDC for a crime I know nothing about.  And I don't really care. Let's call her Dee.   Dee shared an experience in class today about how she has been practicing with me and several other inmates a couple of times a month since October but honestly, she  never really understood what the fuss was about.  She had no idea if yoga was just stretching or something more, she just wanted to participate and stay active.

The women at the FDC are stuck in a high-rise in center city and NEVER, I repeat,  NEVER get outside.  They eat, sleep, exercise and exist on one floor of a 10-story building.  They have a rec-deck on the third floor where they can see the sky out of the top of a two story space,  the top 10 feet of which, is covered in bars.  A slice of sky and a few birds flying  in several times a day--  that is the extent of their experience with nature while doing their time.  It breaks my heart.

I am fortunate to offer a chance to embody a yogic connection once a week. If you have never practiced, I would describe yoga as the chance to merge with the DIVINE alive inside of you, inside each and every one of us.   I  leave only  hoping that other than relaxation, yoga  (more on this later) will work its magic in its own time.  Today was one of those moments as Dee shared, that I recognized as life-changing  or magical, for her and of course, for me.

Dee  told us that the day before as she bent over to tie her shoes, she was overcome with the wave of an awful memory of her abusive boyfriend's face and denigrating attitude.  Dee was filled with just a moment of self-loathing that after a year of daily exercise, maybe she had not come that far after all.  You see, every time she would simply tie her shoes in front of him, he would remark that she was fat and worthless and continue  'just look at you, all out of breath just from  bending over'.  She took to tying her shoes in a room wherever he was NOT.

Well, on this day, in this moment,  she acknowledged the old feelings of  shame and looked them straight in the eye and then took a deep breath.  Within that breath, she held a new voice, a new memory.  It was of me telling her to just exhale and go a little lower, a little deeper into the expression of the pose. As she folded over to tie her shoe, she exhaled and within that place of surrender, she felt a new emotion arising:

WORTHINESS

Dee told us she had never felt such a strong sense of worthiness emanate from her own body before.  She often hated her body but on this day, she loved what her body was relaying in no uncertain terms:  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Her tears  seemed to mix with our tears as we acknowledged the truth in her exclamation, "I feel like I finally know what yoga is about and for".

 I can't help but notice that in all the articles we read about yoga's benefits and life-changing qualities, one could just as easily replace the word "yoga" with "G O D".

-Yoga is making me a better mother, friend, daughter and wife

-Yoga has been a savior to reduce my stress and relieve my anxiety

-Yoga helps me feel more connected to myself and others and less depressed

-Yoga helps me manage my eating disorder

-Yoga eases my desire for my drug of choice and has impacted me staying clean

Some people say going to yoga feels like going to church.  Again, I will repeat, your yoga practice is meant to connect your mind, body and spirit in a way that God meant for us to operate.  Out of wholeness and connection to our authentic self, we know, REALLY KNOW how much we are loved, how we could never do anything to separate us from G O D. That which we are desiring, is desiring us.  What are you yearning for?

Covenant with the imprisoned Goddess

One day she's mired in her own lonesome loser story, misunderstood, destined for an obit that reads,
Anita rarely left her living room couch during the long, dark days of New Jersey winters. No one called- she had told them how much she HATED to speak on the phone, after all.  No one visited- she had no tolerance for chit chat.  No one texted- their busy lives and jobs and friends didnt leave a lot of spare time. Only she had all this time...time...and more time. This endless stream of the ever-present now felt interminable.

Anita was known for her deep faith and relationship with the Christ. She devoured books on spirituality, always searching for the common threads. One day in particular she read in Rolf Gates Meditations on the mat, 'Perfectly balanced, motionless in a yoga posture, we are able to catch a glimpse of the intersection of energy,  matter and awareness...connecting to a deeper reality'.  And she nearly shouted AHA! in the corner coffee shop as she realized YES, there it is plain as day-- this statement describes the Christ:  that place where fully human and fully divine merge. Where matter and energy are ONE...you know, Einstein's God formula E=MC2.

Mama puts on her oxygen mask first

Mama's peace.

Mama's come to recognize the value and necessity of self-nurturance, and homeostasis.

All the accolades and recognition don't mean a hoot if Mama's mind is on the what's missing piece.
The gradual journey home begins with that eensy weensie brave step toward trusting there's a sun behind those clouds.  If confusion and emotions are tossing her about, she must get still and lean in, lean into the pain, grief and fear (you know the place we generally and naturally want to run from?).

Maybe, just maybe she is all alone.  And if this is truly the case...no one is coming to rescue her, no one is going to turn on a light in the dark, or dry these tears. No distraction, sugary dessert, cocktail or habit is going to make her gray sky blue.

She might just find herself tethered to her own sweet soul.

The path a sled makes

The day after snowmageddon hit the northeast, the sun shone and I decided I wanted nothing more than to go sledding.  I practically begged my husband and was disappointed in his decline.  I turned to my 16 year old son only to hear 'Not really, mom".  So off I went sled in hand, outfitted in ski attire.

My first run taken over the already excavated path, I nearly hit a tree but giggled joy the whole time.  At the bottom I paused and looked up: the robin's egg blue sky was serene and lovely. The naked, near dead tree branches blocking a clear view, I initially said to them, "Must you block the expansive spaciousness?".  When instantly the story changed to -- AHHHHH, you beckon me to love you just as deeply as the sky!!  You ask that I not see you as something in the way of glory but a part of GLORY.

The branches represent all the 'troubles' and challenges in life. When we can view them from a place of grounded awareness we might be graced with the big picture.

Climbing back up the slippery slope I stepped firmly and felt strong in my own footing.

The next few runs down, I navigated the trees and squealed as I caught some air. Gliding to the bottom and always just staying still long enough to catch my breath and be filled with gratitude for exhiliration and this amazing life.  I realized I was finding balance between riding high and embracing stillness.

My final run I held tight to my sled's rope and forged a new path. I landed rougly against some tree branches jutting up and laughed hysterically at where my little adventure had taken me. I lay there and thought about how being stopped by these trees was fine by me.  I resist nothing; I am fierce with reality.

Separation is a LIE

Back in May 2015 I was signed up for a weekend training in NYC with Phoenix Rising Yoga therapy.

The day before I had the thought "I Love learning new things; especially about yoga!" and suddenly a new deeper thought came in-- 'This isnt about learning dear. This is about healing."  Woah!!  What have I got to heal?  Haven't I done enough deep work during the 8 months of yoga teacher training I completed in Novemebr?  Such a silly girl-- there is ALWAYS more to heal.

Upon arrival our very first partner activity is gently placing two fingers on one another's heart- front and back.  As Lea's hand approached my sternum, I felt as if she had to push through a dense block to reach me.  After a few minutes of silence and breathing together, she is  instructed to slowly remove her hands from me. 

I instantly burst into tears. We have only just begun and there are two more days ahead of us.

I go home and sleep like a rock for over 10 hours, missing my alarm.  Arriving late to class, I apologize and explain that emotionally I do not feel up to partner work and will observe for awhile.  Within 45 minutes I am curled in a ball on the floor and back asleep!!

Suddenly, I am awakened crying and feeling ashamed.  I glance around the room and see everyone assisting one another in hip-openers. They are rolling and stretching one another and no one is crying.  I hear in my spirit 'The hips hold shame. Release your shame'.  I yell in head -- You are not even experiencing a hip stretch!!  How in the world are you the one releasing shame??

The crying stops. The emotion passes and we take a lunch break.  I head outside to take in the hustle and bustle of New York's Soho neighborhood.  I find a tasty Indian spiced potato flatbread and chow hungrily.  I am awake, alive, grateful and open.

The afternoon continues uneventfully and I head back to my friend's house on the other side of Hudson.

Sunday morning and I had almost forgotten I would awaken in a strange bed on Mother's Day. I am filled with sadness missing my mom and my children.   But my friend had very thoughtfully been prepared this might be the case and greets me with flowers and a card!  I am verklempt. 

Heading back into the Big Apple, I feel mature and excited for our final hours together.  Living in South Jersey and mostly working from home, I don't enjoy these adventures often enough I decide.

It's now about 5pm and we are just a few hours away from finalizing our level 1.  We are instructed while sitting cross-legged, to close our eyes and imagine being divided in half, top of head to seat.

My eyes fly open and I am filled with terror as I had felt my body violently sliced in half with a huge machete. I look around. No one else seems bothered.  I wait, feeling anxiety rising.

The teacher wraps up and asks if anyone has any feedback.  I say with a tremor in my voice what just happened.  I then begin to lose sensation in my hands so I stand up and begin shaking them, hard. 
The tears come hard and fast and I almost hyperventilate but then return to focus on deep inhales and slow exhales. I say I am ok now and retreat to the ladies room for some water and rest.

As the months have passed since that experience, I have contemplated numerous times what my body was releasing and relaying.  My birth father visited me once in the hospital Novemebr 5th 1965 and I never saw him again after that day.  I believe there was a part of my psyche that believed it had been ripped from him.

This part was integrated back that day relaying the message that I am healed, whole and fully connected.

God wants the body to function efficiently and effectively in unity. Therefore, what happens to one part, or what one part does, affects the whole. What we do does indeed make a difference because we are individual parts of a living, spiritual organism. Our actions will produce an increase of good or evil, efficiency or inefficiency in the use of spiritual resources, effectiveness or ineffectiveness. For me personally, the practice of YOGA (union, yoking) has been key in healing abandonment trauma.

To understand this, perhaps we need nothing more than a deeper awareness that, despite the way things may presently look on the surface, our worldview – how we look at life and all its jumble of events – is quite narrow compared to God's.  We are not separate from God now or ever. Just as we cannot disconnect from our own arm, we cannot sin or feel enough shame to plunge us into eternal darkness.

Isaiah 60:19

No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the LORD your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.

Once we see things from His perspective, we can see we bear a major responsibility to the body of Christ because God has included us in His great purpose.

Are you spiritually disconnected or knitted into the Body with Christ as the Head?  Actually, this would be a more accurate description --to ask your heart all the ways it has hardened from hurt and surrender to resurrected Love preparing a space in you for something new to be birthed this Christmas.

More human not less

More Human not less

If you’re anything like me, you may have spent some time and energy attempting to minimize the qualities of being human— e.g.

• jealousy
• distraction
• judgment
• frustration
• playing victim
• ungratefulness
• entitlement 

Just to name a few…

I have found the practices of yoga and meditation tantamount in creating space to actually begin to witness these thoughts and emotions from a place of the witness, allowing me to respond instead of react.

Case in point:  I’m on my mat and we have a substitute teacher for my FAVORITE teacher, whom I have not seen most of the summer.  I tell myself to let go any disappointment and remain open to possibility.

I don’t actually feel that great this morning-  tired, distracted by having had nightmares, and female issues.  I don’t push myself too hard physically and as the teacher advises “take what I need”; which is lots of time in child’s pose.

I notice my desire to have her nurture me.  I notice my wishing she would run her hand down my spine, making a connection and honoring my choice.  I notice disappointment.  I breathe and let out a big, loud exhale.

I see the other women: fitter, stronger, thinner.  I notice my initial comparison and decide to let that go too. Inhaling I choose space, exhaling I choose emptiness.

We are about to enter fish pose and I go to grab for my block. The teacher unwittingly grabs it before I can and places it under her spine to demonstrate.  I notice my upset.  I grab the other block near the top of the mat and I CHOOSE to breathe into the feeling of disconnection and judgment. I lie back, open my heart and surrender into the earth. 

I tell myself to keep using my tools: pressing into earth, relying on breath, and engaging my core (the VERY CENTER of me).

If we can notice we have given our peace away, it is much easier to draw it back to us. It’s living in the space of being off-center and not recognizing our own power over the situation which leads to a downward spiral toward moodiness, anxiety, over-eating, or depression.  

What started out as me not feeling optimally could have spiraled into me having a bad day and beginning a story in my head of victimhood, woe is me.  Eventually, I would probably take this out on my unsuspecting husband.

In savasana or final rest I fully embraced nurturing MYSELF, no one else needs to do this for me.  I fully leaned into being human and having thoughts and emotions that in the past may have led me to judge myself but now I see are not the real me, they stem from a place of disconnection to my true self.  My Highest self desires peace and wholeness and that can only be embodied when I can allow plenty of space for every human emotion.  I don't dare ever again trap my wild, flourishing & tender self in a cage of disparaging thoughts.  I am F R E E !!!!

THE LIE OF FRAGILITY

Whose voice was it which said we are weak?  Whose voice was it which said the body is less  intuitive than the mind?

I lie awake home in my bed attentive to the sensation  of anxiety in my chest 8 hours post-surgery.  a story on repeat in my brain-- you are not ok...you are not ok.  My  husband  tries to  comfort  me saying 'i don't know why you're upset, you don't have cancer'.   He's right isn't he?  I shouldn't be upset...so now the message on repeat becomes- you have nothing to be upset over. 

And yet just a few hours  earlier  the nurse  repeatedly  yelled  at me  to "breathe deeply Anita!!"  So I would inhale  fully  causing the  machine to  stop  beeping  its  alarm.  Once  she even had to put the oxygen mask on.

This type of urgent instruction to a  woman  not  fully  conscious  and  in pain  will instill  trauma  in the subconscious and  become stored  in the  physical  body-- that is certain.

The  mind will  not,  cannot  calm the body  in the midst of full-blown  anxiety with a false mantra.

"If we can truly be mindful of what is going on in us or around us--that's how we can find or feel 'the Spirit' in it. Then our response to the situation will be originating from the Spirit rather than from our knee-jerk feelings of fear or anger or envy. And whether the response is to endure bravely or to act creatively, it will be done with understanding and compassion--which means it will be life-giving." Paul Knitter

i am grateful that i did not fall prey to an old habit of  ignoring and  distracting  myself  away  from a shouting  energetic  presence.

Because one minute  I am telling  my husband  I need to  pay attention to my body's signals and the next I  am ready  to  put on  netflix.  One  minute I  am  telling  myself just be grateful the mass was benign and the next I  am wondering why my heart is pounding and I want to scream.

When suddenly a prick of tears  threatened to fall that I made the decision to just get  still.  In that space of breath and  acknowledgement I  recognized  something  indeed was in  need of prayer.  And so i queried  my heart, 'what is  going on  in there?'.

How often do we place a hand on our chest and listen for love's blessing over our lives?  Because this is how we begin to heal...old wounds, new wounds, makes no matter-- it can only happen in the very moment the body is relaying distress.

Are we so bogged down with being entertained/distracted from wholeness that we’ve forgotten how good a belly laugh feels or how rich and peaceful silence can be?  

Sure enough--within just a few minutes, a peace beyond understanding descended and I heard this message:

You have been through a LOT these past few months (unnecessary surgery, a full-blown panic attack in yoga class and preparing to meet my bio-dad for the first time in 50 years)...allow yourself the opportunity to reveal what is alive in each moment expressed through bodily communication.  It is really quite simple...WHEN we  pay attention.  I  suddenly felt  strong, empowered, connected and  ready to  fully rest.

We are not fragile: 
NO, WE ARE EMBODIED GRACE.  VOW TO NOT MISS THIS ONE PRECIOUS LIFE--- IT'S A TRUE GIFT WORTH SLOWING DOWN FOR.

The Body of Christ has a missing limb

multiply my eyes
so that i might glimpse all their glorious +
ravaged scars
O I see you!!

make me a hundred ears to
hearken sorrow's echo
fervent
through the canyons
O I hear you!!

a thousand arms to embrace
the multitude of plagued + broken
dreams
O how I feel you!

a million feet
to walk a trillion miles
just to hold a single
thorn-pierced heart

the body of christ
revealed in mud--
winged lotus
gracefully blooming
+
dove engulfed
in holy flame


feverish pain
swirling inward
cooled only by
a cyclone of
seashell's
whispers


transforming ashen wreckage
the body of Christ has a missing limb

weary, I
query
my own
tender + brambled belly
If one part suffers, every part suffers 
if one part is honored, 
every part rejoices 

the body of christ
has a missing limb

center-placed palm
stigmata-wound bruised for my iniquities
presses back
compassionate
touch
the body of christ
has a missing limb

one breath separates
suffering
from surrender
submerged then
found
knitted together
womblike
in the hollows

you...your wounds
your story
your limbs
your love
your peace
your voice

you are the missing
limb

listening to the voice of tension

by anita brown 

Eat pray love author, Elizabeth Gilbert was on Oprah Soul Series talking about her month-long journey into meditation and silence where she went to battle with the thoughts in the head. She realized this was not a battle after all. These fears, voices of negativity, past mistakes and shame represent parts of herself that one could liken to the little girl pieces that are crying out for attention.

One wouldn't scold the child and berate her for her needs. After years of  trying what doesn't work, one might find that with patience, love and light these "little ones" quiet and settle down, eventually acknowledging that "Mother" knows best.

I too have had a similar experience in Centering Prayer meditation numerous times. My description felt more like the "ugly, dark pieces of lead" wanted to be transformed into GOLD. By sitting with the inner blaze, following my breath, I could trust the alchemy-like process.

On my mat this morning, for the first time I began to hear the cries of my tension and stiffness as voices needing my compassion and kindness. Normally, I advise students to send breath to the sensation arising in the various parts of the physical body. Now I see for me the healing potential in identifying the resistance with a name.

Inhale up- arms overhead feel expansive and notice tightness between the shoulders in the back of the heart. "Ahhhh you are grief". Well yes I feel the depth of your longing to be known my dear. You are like all the grief ever felt in this crazy, sad world. You are the grief of abandonment. A father never met in 49 years.

An emptiness desiring nothing but acknowledgement.

Deep and bottomless. With breath and love I hope you eventually find space to calm and then rest.

Runners lunge, exhale fold over right leg. Lengthen torso with breath. Engage root lock and steady. Yes I recognize you as the "inability to trust". 

I know, I know.... I have not always been trustworthy.

Studying the balancing of the chakras I have learned this stems from the abandonment wound to the root chakra, the base of me. Muladhara: this place in the body should have experienced stability during childhood; but the little girl, me, didn't know why her father left her. She felt unloved and unworthy. She went looking for attention in the world as the ego dragged her around with its lame attempts at wholeness and healing. But the ego was disconnected from the True self. How do I know this? None of it worked!

I was only left feeling guilt and shame. Yes, these beauties must live in my hips. That near constant nagging tightness. Bring on pigeon pose: stay, stay with this unease. Breathing life and spaciousness into the hips feels so necessary.

I'll bet you can guess what word my heart whispered in our very first night of yoga teacher training when asked to allow space for one word to arise that will represent my primary area of growth over the 7 months---  R O O T E D!!  What is even more fascinating is the fact that something within me throughout our coldest winter in years was calling me to go out and lie on the ground. And each time I did this, a low level of anxiety I had awakened with would dissipate.

At the time, I wanted a word like the other students: love, connection, compassion. Now I see the accuracy of this single word in continuing to heal my childhood trauma. In a state of deficiency the root chakra can manifest as digestive issues, infertility, anxiety, poor focus and boundary issues. I suffered from all of these while I was disconnected from my physical body.

I trust I will meet students who will benefit from hearing how yoga has helped me find peace and healing and more teachers who will guide me to deeper and deeper levels of connection to myself and others.

I look forward to hearing from you and how yoga is putting the pieces of you back together!!

Eye Gazing in Prison on Holy Saturday

I spent Holy Saturday at the Philadelphia FDC 3South floor with 12 incarcerated women attending a 2-day Heart to Heart retreat. I was there to share the gift of yoga and meditation. The women really appreciate our visits and openly express their desire to learn.

Our last exercise was an eye-gazing and I was partnered with Smoke, an African American woman of about 35. Smoke smiled a lot and agreed that she was willing to try it but admitted it made her nervous to stare into a stranger’s eyes for a total of 6 minutes. I looked forward to it immensely- you hear how the eyes are the windows to the soul and what I have seen each of the prior 3 times is infinite love.

During the first 2 minutes we were instructed to repeat to ourselves ‘I, just like you, have experienced pain, grief and fear’. Smoke didn’t seem to have too difficult of a time focusing and we both had tears prick our eyes as at once we knew the other had certainly experienced these human emotions. Her body continued to move however, as she crossed her arms over her chest, pulling her arms into her gray T-shirt. I realized she was trying to keep warm while I had a North Face jacket on.

The second 2 minutes we were to repeat ‘I, just like you have experienced joy, love and peace’. This time Smoke nervously laughed a lot which made me laugh. She couldn’t keep our gaze going for very long and fidgeted in her shirt some more.

Finally, as we took a short break before round 3, I got up and put my jacket around Smoke’s shoulders. She vehemently resisted and tried to take it off but I insisted that she wear it for the last round and warm-up. It wasn’t a big deal— to me. We returned to our silent gazing and repeated in our minds ‘I just like you have dreams and aspirations for myself and my loved ones’. I just remember thinking, you have such a warm, inviting smile Smoke. I sure hope you see how beautiful you are when you look in my eyes.

We briefly circled up before departing for a few insights on the exercise. Smoke shared that she enjoyed it very much and that she could see right down to my very goodness. She repeated that she knew for certain that I was very, very good inside. Hearing this made my heart sing because I believe I was just a mirror for this brave woman. I came home and penned this poem for her.

Priestess, when did you lose your Head Dress?

beloved i have come to remind you of your internal compass, guiding you toward goodness.  you speak of guilt and shame, temptation and unruly thoughts.
as a child, one never imagines she will end up behind bars, locked away from society— a common criminal.  you are someone’s daughter.  if your earthly parents did not know better to tell you of your royal bloodline, it should be my honor.
there is no past. there is no future. just here and now where you make your peace, in this body you very well may abhor.
i have crept into the wilderness of your heart when  the darkness returned to breathe  you into newness of life. with each exhale, I, with a force and power heretofore unknown to you, release you from the ties that bind. emptying the trashy contents of your mind.
i have come prepared to speak words of SURETY and CERTAINTY. without a doubt, you once walked and talked like no other, the natural one. you did not pose, nor attempt to impress, attracting that devil named greed.
once you robustly sang lyrics  of a long-forgotten song in a soap shop, smelling the fragrance of the sandalwood (love) and the rose(hate), and scrunching up your nose to show exactly what you thought.
as you lay sobbing and crumpled like a page torn our of a diary, mumbling abouthaving lost something, not sure exactly what or where, in a hushed tone i say i see through your temporary breakdown and remind you that a bad day for the ego is a celebration of the soul.  i shall sing  leonard cohen’s infamous tune about cracks and light and shattering and all things working toward the highest good, if only you can surrender to the pain. this pain– name it.
it desires freedom!!!  exhale! let it go..
i will you draw you into the nonjudgmental space and capture the cruciform  juxtapositon of good and evil.  where gray pervades and paints broad strokes until the time comes to step back into the light, out of darkness where dirty underground creatures dwell .
your birthright is one of phoenix and pegasus, star, ash, flame and all things vivid and taking flight.

refusing to classify the profane as wrong
preferring  crow-speak over hummingbird
prison over church
its an upside down and backwards proposition .
replete with lullabys and magic
because the darkness will revisit
and you will likely forget for a while .
so gaze into my soul as i whisper

‘you are a priestess.’
press onward with purity of devotion
to transcend
beyond the cheating heart
and spiritual bankruptcy.
you are clothed in moonbeams
and crowned in angelic halo.
you cannot feel
the stardust in your veins so
i hold up a mirror that unveils its sparkle.
an invitation: place your hands over your heart
and repeat
THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE TRUTH LIVES!!
hello self that desires to FEEL– ALIVE, PASSION, Connection…these are not WRONG!!

my words spin out across space + time reaching into your heart and shaking it — wake up!!  you are still BEATING.

if i’m not a mirror i should drain my pen.

It was the Best of Times/It was the Worst of Times

An ordinary Tuesday that began and ended in tears. But what happened in between is where the magic happens.

It's 6:30 a.m.

Making breakfasts and packing lunches for the teens. Telling myself to bring joy & gratitude to the activity-- totally faking it.

Before I descend the basement steps for my daily meditation, I take a peek at the twitter feed and read "90 year old sisters still making each other laugh".

I try and sit still and follow my breath and hold my spine upright. Really I do.

But after a few minutes it feels impossible and even a bit painful. I surrender and take child's pose. I'm clasping my hands behind my head and willing the earth to absorb my tears and fill my heart with calm.  I am saying "I'm sorry for all the times I EFFED up! I am doing the BEST I can!"

The day you break your own heart and call bullsh*t on yourself for playing small, for believing the lies, for not knowing any better: you step into your power.

You NEVER look back.

I was ASLEEP at the wheel.

I am awake now.

What do you think the  bible means in 1 thessalonians 5:17 when it says to pray continually?
I used to wonder what the heck that could look like?  Now that I have a daily mindfulness practice I pay attention!!  To what I am thinking and feeling..I am fully alive and no longer on auto-pilot.

Right now I am feeling like a lonely, little girl desiring more time with my Oma to laugh with.  My grandmother and I were more like sisters, sharing a room for 18 years.

I decide to try to "sit" once again. I am still crying and imagining I am at the foot of the cross, pleading to my deceased Oma and Jesus to give me comfort.  Now I am saying, "I just want someone to laugh with. All I've ever wanted all those desperate times I forced relationships -- boyfriends and girlfriends. God made me so serious. I just want someone to laugh with."

I begin praying-- show me new ways to serve. How do you want me to serve and self-empty?  Kenosis:  I love that word.

More kenosis...yes...more of YOU, less of me.

Then I am transported to utter emptiness, connection to ALL and a stillness beyond understanding. The crown of my head feels open and as if the contents are being drawn upward. Then there are bands of energy-like chords connecting me to something above. I sit in awe to the Presence.
I hear

• That which you are seeking is seeking YOU
• I am you and you are me
• Stay....Rest
• Yours are His hands, feet and heart
• You will continue to be used well...Trust

Once in this place of deep, abiding grace I feel complete. There is nothing I need. I can barely sense where I end and everything else begins. 

Inhaling I expand. 

Exhaling I am ready.

I return to my laptop and check email and Facebook.  Here is an opportunity to serve:  Trans4m network event in DC this April.  I  sign-up as a volunteer and can attend for a very reasonable price.  Within minutes I hear from the administrator, 'How would you like to serve?  Would you enjoy teaching yoga?'

Am I on Candid Camera?
I am laughing at the beauty of this opportunity.  My Oma and I used to watch that show and laugh till we cried.  My mind is blown open for the second time in an hour---- this is yet another occasion to come my way in 2 days to teach yoga in our Capital City.  Less than a week before I had put out into our benevolent universe my desire to teach healing mindfulness practices specifically to Congress after praying to be a part of the solution and not the problem.  Here are two steps in that direction.

Later in the day I am reading Jim Palmer's daily blog, "Imagine yourself walking in that Garden, an atmosphere where there is only harmony, wholeness, and oneness. Feel it deep within you. Know it to be real in your deepest awareness and gut feelings. That reality runs through us all. That reality within us will save us and this world forever if we will turn toward it and lift it up."

If this anawim (divine nobody) can have these profound experiences of bliss and one-ness with our creator, ANYBODY can!!!  Palmer is challenging us to lift it up out into the world.

I was sent this platform to share how one ordinary mom in New Jersey experiences daily challenges raising two teens, feeling loneliness and grief and then finds meaning, connection, love and opportunities for service. Yes, I have tools to share that bring reconciliation to the broken parts and I do believe my Oma is helping send me to DC to share them.  Happy tears.

golden bauble

set right in the center of her wildly beating
heart
real or imagined
the gem lies cushioned
amid
layers upon layers
of bubble wrap
and fancy gauze
hidden deeply enough
safe from harm

exquisite in its perfectly
bewitching and well-formed
luminosity

she prizes its strength
spun from tenacity
and gilded passions

on one occasion she steps
toward uncharted
treasures
in a  future
stripped away of defenses

bravery replacing
trepidation one breath at a time
grace discovered at the bottom of the
exhale

a rare glimpse of the precious stone
Hmmmm...a bit tarnished
chipped on one side
you love it all the more!
for it
was never unmarred
or fragile

it's worth
derived
not from artistry
or symmetry
but
from the artist
herself
who fashioned it

connected and addicted

yogi  tears
and the sound of ujaii breath
conferring ecstatic silence
behind  prison walls
that smell like home
and maybe urine
to practice
and preach
human connection

taking up my own cross
embracing my own
incarnation

asana led in the halfway house
only to find
the weekend sluts
and the greedy druggie
look like me
mirror gazing
at the inner
criminal
the one jesus loved

so they sit
in lotus
all satisfied

a woman
chin in hand
she knows more than she'll ever understand
getting high, drunk and horny
each night
it's the same

and each morning we salute the sun
praying to a god
who might crucify our minds
and prostitute our loss
making us weak

with repetition
and a fistful of
mercy

addicted