Need not know

Do you ever wake up with a low-level anxiety, shallow breath and tightness in your chest?  At 48 I awake somedays with the feeling that my rapidly shifting hormones are to blame--and maybe they are.  It's Monday and the weekend with friends and family was relaxing and fun and we got shit done around the house. I tell myself there is no reason for this --what do I have to feel sad and lonely about?

The voice in the head begins telling me the story of why I  should- I've gossiped and hurt people, I'm not always the best friend, wife or daughter.  I tell myself 'just get outside and walk the dog'.  The tears come immediately once the cool air hits my face and my feet touch earth.  I acknowledge there is still this little girl living inside of me that just wants to be loved. She just needs to know I hear her, her innocence and purity of intention.  I tell her that there's a loving God who also dwells near and He has totally got this. I reach out my hand and surrender the need to know more. The tears continue as I acknowledge that there's a part of me that is trying to be so strong, that feels this need to have all the answers.

I have been planning for a 2 day retreat with the women of the Phila. FDC beginning this Friday. I am responsible for yoga, meditation, writing and a dance party to celebrate our healing after 15 hours together.  I realize that I have been subconsciously pressuring myself to organize a meaningful encounter.  There is a part of me that wants so much to share the right words, music and mindfulness tools.  Somehow hrough my tears, I sense a calm and clarity arising.  I realize that sharing my vulnerability and honesty about waking with anxiety and self-doubt is the most important thing I can do to connect with these women who have been separated from their loved ones.

I lie on the ground and feel a sinking and connecting to somewhere deep below the earth's surface and at the same time, I feel a drawing up toward the endless blue sky.  I breathe and know that not having any answers is the best gift to my spirit this day.  I am humbled and grateful and confident all at the same time.  The anxiety is gone and I am pumping my legs to get back home to start working and I feel my heart begin pumping in response and suddenly my mind is sure that all is well in the world.