Why Thanksgiving cannot commence until my Peace is restored

It's Thanksgiving morning and I am filled with gratitude for my beautiful family and looking forward to our day ahead spent together with our loved ones. And yet, something is nagging at my heart that keeps me from heading out to the football game just yet.

I stay back to pray, meditate and listen.

There is so much the heart wants to say!  But how much time do we allocate to our inner communication?  The mind is so bossy!


If I can sit and settle, allowing my breath to guide me deeper, a new voice arises and it usually has a bodily sensation or reaction attached to it. Oftentimes, it is tears releasing a known or unknown sadness. Other times, I can tap into an area of tightness or tension, sending breath and awareness there and then I wait...

Thanksgiving Eve I taught a yoga class in Camden at our new, beautiful Kroc community center.  Enter two women who have never practiced and I am excited because sharing yoga with beginners really lights me up. I ask Rita how her day was and she says ,"Rough".  I say that I am sorry and ask if she will celebrate Thanksgiving to which she replies, "No".

I am sad but decide to begin class and get them centered, then moving energy.

I begin by telling them a bit about myself and my teaching at the prison in Philadelphia in the women's unit.  I share that the week before a woman spoke of being more free now while incarcerated because of her yoga and meditation practices, than while on the streets and stuck in the lies and stories in her head.

Rita (name changed) begins to quietly cry and I share, "Your yoga mat is meant to absorb as much tears as sweat. I should know, I have shed many tears on my mat over the years."  I tell them my hope is that the practice feels like:
-a visit to the therapist
-attending church
-a great workout at the gym
Yoga can achieve these three all at once and is one of the main reasons why I love to teach.

By the end, Rita is laughing at herself and moving with ease. The change in her countenance is palpable and I am relieved.  We chat about how she didn't always want this life, she remembers at 17 almost attaining her GED and wanting to find a meaningful career. But she had a baby, the father went to prison and shortly after, she herself was rounded up in a drug raid and put away. Now at 33 she can't find a job because of her record. She spends days holed up in a ball just trying to stay clean and out of trouble as her daughter lives a life on the streets. She occasionally gets to Sacred Heart church and loves the music, it makes her feel hopeful.

She says she can relate to so much I said, especially feeling like she is imprisoned in her own mind. The Kroc opening almost 2 months ago in her neighborhood has been a blessing as she comes most days to get out of the house.

Meeting Rita feels like divine intervention. The old voice in my head says something like  "You can help her" but the new deeper, truer voice KNOWS that her words will change my heart and that only God can help but I CAN LOVE.

I now know enough  about the sadness that can make me into a person I am not.  I have suffered from moodiness my entire life. I know I need to release the depressive energy before I emanate it to someone else.  I don't leave my home Thanksgiving until noon after having  shed tears for Rita's lot in life and prayed that God continues to feed her body and soul just enough sustenance to make it another day.  She is the first of many I will encounter and hold space for.

God speaks life into me and allows me to go forth in love to embrace and enjoy the ones closest to my heart.

The Surrender

finding ease
the breath carries me
beyond doubt
into quiet emptiness

here lies safety
amidst the
jealousy
comparisons and
desires for fame and fortune

yet god understands the ego's needs
we are only asked to look at them
one by one
surrendering their grip on our hearts
we expand into
His Grace
where our smallness is
nourished
until we, no longer disconnected
from our source,
experience ONE-NESS

and the fear trickles out

where I and God and You
merge

dualism is a lie
there is nowhere i can hide where God does not find
console, and caress me
dry my tears
in this body
now

hallowing the day of the dead

heart wails
bounce off dingy, urine-scented  walls
spiders scrutinize and hold vigil
as I lie prone

bowels twist like fishtail braid
darkness arriving to shroud and
eclipse my soul
despair
building
momentum


resolutely the will
to feel-
shame mostly, demands
attention
anger cloaked in blame
masquerading itself
disguised and unrecognizable

corner of veil lifts
anarchy commences

malevolent, restless ones threaten insemination
barrenness echoes a prayer:
"impregnate from the enchanted souls lying beneath the earth!"

YOU, the Christ!
Enter and shed eternal light
I choose to carry your salvation
In all its Crowning glory
I choose resurrection and hope
I choose love
I choose 
LIFE
MY LIFE

Trying to explain the unexplainable

Hebrews 11:1  The evidence of things not seen

A three day heart2heart retreat began at the Philadelphia FDC prison with 15 female participants on 3 south.  Overall there were 5 sessions which included yoga, meditation and non-violent communication skills.  Our program director chose the theme 'we are all connected'.   Each of us volunteers spoke to how this is true but that in reality we experience much difficulty connecting deeply to ourselves and others authentically.  Why is this?

Trauma, pain, addiction, distraction...the list goes on.  We shared a variety of  tools to help the women feel better connected to both the Self and others and shared three sessions of yoga and meditation.

Ieasha, a 30-something inmate had never practiced yoga before and tried her best to stay in the room as we breathed and stretched in simple asana.  But her discomfort was palpable and she left half-way through.  She came back the next day, only to leave unexpectedly.  Initially when discussing the agreements we would all hold to, one of which was "stay" in the hard stuff, Iesha was the first to give her buy-in and contributed boldly to the other agreements like 'what is shared here stays here'. 

What's more, Iesha couldn't make eye contact, was twitching and admitted to feeling extremely irritable.  I am currently learning more about being ungrounded and its origin in the root chakra in my YTT.

In our final session she attempted to bow out saying, "I just showered and lotioned. No one told me this was yoga again."  I promised her we wouldn't sweat and asked if she would give our new volunteer a chance to share her gifts.  I will never forget how she respectfully replied, 

"I will try it Miss".  

The sincerity of her words struck me in a way that almost made me cry.

I believe she stayed with the opening string breath meditation and two of the seated asana and then I saw her out of the corner of my eye retreat to a spot in the back of the room, eventually leaving altogether.  I was told she never returned for afternoon session but peeked in the window several times.  I was saddened at the thought of the pain she must be carrying.  I sensed her desire to learn and grow but there was such resistance she just couldn't get past the blocks.

Later that evening as I walked the dog in the park, I looked up at the fading blue sky and felt its expansiveness deeply.  I then noticed the ground supporting me as if for the first time and I began crying and repeating, "I am rooted. I am rooted. I am rooted."  

Something shifted and I began shouting, "Ieasha! Ieasha! Ieasha!".  My entire body was trembling.

Next thing I knew, I was crying hysterically as if her pain was my pain and I prayed to the Heavens, "Heal her! Heal her!"  

My breath returned to normal and the tears dried.  I continued to pray, "Let some small tidbit feed her. Let the breath carry her toward healing."

I was connected to Ieasha undeniably.  I can only hope my prayers were heard.

feed my sheep

If you saw author Paulo Coelho on #Oprah soul series you will know from whence my inspiration came!! the world needs more #poetry

feed my sheep

speak truth into the hearts and minds and ears
of your fellow man
feed him the living bread of life
with your words

his ears will devour this very provision
like a hungry wolf
waiting in the dark, wooded corner
of his soul

he will
chew and chew
and chew
on your offering
until all at once
it will fill him to overflowing,
his mouth spewing
the prized excess

he will know
that this very sustenance
shall abide in him
all the rest of his days

at first, he will nervously proffer
just the fallen crumbs
to the starving,
lifeless
woolpack

questioning:
will these scraps
suffice
in fattening the calf?

repeatedly surrendering and trusting
the amplitude

And like a loaf growing
10 times in size,
this newly trained shepherd
shall find
his own speech
contains the proper nutrients
to nourish the
not-so innocent lambs

the sheep and shepherd
shall wander the pastures as ONE

contentment and purpose
perfuming
the dung-scented
meadow air

fraught with peace

fraught with peace

watershed tears

no reason
and every

reason

clarity and confusion

share gray matter space

knitted together

the fibers marry

body sways and rocks

through cerulean gloom

yet

hope danced

and twirled

like a ballerina on tiptoe

above the rising pain

arms raised

releasing  the world's anguish

one angry fist

one praise hand at a time

the heart speaks:

patience

slowly,

imperceptibly at first

resplendent light

lifts the dense

fog of mourn

immobility and helplessness

spiral into backbone

erect and courageous

peace

metamorphosized  

like a monarch being beckoned

to life's garden

boldly, colorfully demonstrating

IT as all Bliss^[f]

The mat and the snot-stained shirt

It's a beautiful September morn, cool and sunny.  I awake extra early filled with an unexplained anxiousness.  This week has been filled with meaning, purpose, friendship, family, work and practice.

As a little bit of background:

Science shows us that everything is made up of energy and exchanges that with everything else at all times in a most complex way. It is the building block of all matter. The same energy that composes your flesh is the same one that composes the bricks of your house and the trees outside. It is all the same. It is constantly at flow, changing form all the time. This is a very simple explanation of a rather complex thing."

In his book, The Divine Matrix, Gregg Braden starts off one of his chapter saying:

There is a place where all things begin, a location of pure energy that simply "is".

Last evening was different; in our heart2heart sharing with a new group,
I sat next to a very depressed young man.  After a little encouragement, he openly shared his underlying hope that was just a glimmer beneath the heavy darkness he lived in. He held the oppressiveness of the world inside his heart and it showed like a gloomy mask over his young face.  I listened with empathy as he and the others talked about life's challenges.  I was in the position of table leader and therefore, did not share.

The purpose of the gathering was to practice the language of the heart, starting with non-violence toward your own self. We connected with breath and got centered; acknowledging both the inner wisdom  and the attempts of the mind to instill fear, smallness, non-enoughness etc.  It was an open, honest dialogue and I left feeling blessed.

But energy, both light and dark, is real and in search of a home.  I had absorbed some of this young man's depressed state and now if felt like my own. So I took to my mat and allowed the feelings to arise:

I feel like a failure

A bad friend

A  judge in search of my own agenda

Jealousy

Disappointment in not being heard

Underneath all this mess, I knew there was a center I needed to return home to.

One that would provide  peace and space. 

Out in the park I used the only item I had to blow my nose and dry my tears-  a light-weight sweatshirt.  The outpouring went on for quite awhile as the awareness continued as to how life works and how healing takes place starting in the physical body.

I had practiced with an excellent teacher on Wednesday who opened our hips and psoas consistently for the hour of yoga.  We focused on our center and the concept of sattva as compared to the other two extreme Gunas: rajas and tamas.  When rajas is dominating there is selfishness and greed  and with an excess of tamas one is reckless, inactive or delusional.  All we humans are working these out and returning to our true nature.

But the road to get there looks like a stop on the mat and resembles a crumbled mess of a woman surrendering all her ugliness and faults to the earth.

I am grateful that my heart continued to speak clearly --"you are a human and all of these faults and fears are normal.  They are not to be judged, they are to be surrendered.  THIS  is how you find liberation, ease and comfort in feeling more like yourself, your truest self.

I humbly moved with breath, opening heart, hips, hamstrings and shoulders;  continuing to trust that the physical body's release would serve the Highest good in healing me and allowing me to show up more whole and connected to my TRUTH as a teacher of these tools.

Why am I grateful to have 'caught' this dark energy?

I have found more compassion for those who suffer regularly from this condition, especially the women I teach at the FDC who are away from their families for extended periods of time.  They suffer depression in large numbers in a very negative environment where it is nearly impossible to see or 'catch' the light.  I am grateful for any opportunity to be in humble warrior, face planted in supplication, tears releasing fear and lies and rigidity.

May we all  confidently step out of the shadows and into the L I G H T, finding liberation and          

P E A C E.