the meadow

enter the meadow
no,
not as wee, insignificant, embryonic you
breathe in
sigh out

now,
Allow your once companionless self
To surrender her germinal trifles
to mother gaia

this essence of yours, odd as it may seem
is as eccentric
as it is  N O T  dramatic

now,
truly and miraculously
E N T E R
the meadow

G R A C E, a Name We Can All Adopt

A store clerk looked at my credit card last week and asked, "What does your name mean? Anita? It is so beautiful".     I responded that I once knew,   but had forgotten… that I would google it.

Apparently, my name means GRACE and I couldn't have been happier to learn or re-learn this little fact.   I have always loved that word.

While I was preparing for yoga with the ladies of the Phila. Federal Detention Center (FDC),  I decided to research the meaning of many of their names:

Donna- lady
Martina-warrior
Lee- shelter from the storm
Amy- beloved
Michele- gift from God
Gwen- blessed
Stacey -resurrection

I asked them to lie on their backs and after centering through breath to begin to repeat,   "I am …fill in your name" and after a few rounds, replace your name with the meaning of your name.  I spoke gently of "who" they are when they drop the unhelpful labels (like inmate) and false identities (like criminal).  I suggested we practice together in the spirit of honoring how we each share all of those strong and lovely qualities. Then,  I explain that in yogic terms how we speak of karma and what you put out into the world will have equal repercussions--like in physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  We are taught to be careful and intentionally put out more good than bad into the world!!

But….

Along comes this thing called GRACE to upend this karmic concept; where all of us get a second chance and a third and a fourth.  No matter what crime or sin or evil we've committed, we can turn to the Light and allow it to overcome  or transform the darkness--   THROUGH GRACE.  Yes, it is a radical concept-- Love interrupts the course of our karmic path and redirects us, not just onto a new path but we find we have a new and deeper understanding of who we are in relationship to God and to one another.  

My favorite, simple poem is Mary Oliver's :

Pay Attention
Be Astonished
Tell About it


I continue to be astonished that it is by feeling an actual dying "within" the dark wound itself, that energy is released and converted.  Especially in stillness,  we find we can  surrender our wrongs and our trauma.  Infinite spirit uses them as raw material to create something new, an original melody meant to be sung in our voice alone.  We must die to the sad, same, old tune and  awaken to a new song in our hearst.   The beloved Maya Angelou passed away last week and left us with her incredible message of love,  personal empowerment and yes, transformation. Ms. Angelou said,

“I would like to be known as an intelligent woman, a courageous woman, a loving woman, a woman who teaches by being.”

Back in class it is now  3:15 p.m. and  time for final rest for the ladies of the FDC.  They recline into savasana and listen as I describe this as one of the most difficult poses because we are left alone to just "Be".   There is no one instructing us,  no one encouraging, or guiding us any longer. How much self- trust and knowledge have we cultivated to "Be" here?  It's brave and vulnerable and totally worth it to stay.

I suggest we might try resting in the knowledge that GRACE is personal and For us... Lest we might begin to think that all our effort, all our self-improvement was the reason for our shining, expansive heart.

Making Me a Channel of God's Peace

Two and a half years ago I attended my first Centering Prayer retreat at the St. Francis Renewal Center with  a special group  of all ages seeking God's friendship in the stillness.  I sat in one of the later sessions of the weekend and began pleading with God:

"I cannot do this on my own.  I do not know enough to teach this meditation in the prisons as you've called me.  Who am I to go forward in this way- I am a wife and mother and not an expert on this topic, by any means. I don't know enough yet!!!".

Through my shaking and tears, I began to feel God "breathing me"--
like nothing I had ever experienced
as my chest rose and fell--
as if by His spirit moving in me.

And then I very distinctly heard, "Go forward ...you have MY LOVE. That is enough".

I continued to practice almost every day and after a few set-backs and disappointments over the coming 6 months, I was invited to begin teaching a weekly class to the incarcerated men at the FCI. This was a moment of Divine intervention as I traveled by car to NYC with a prison warden I had never met and he agreed to let this inexperienced woman try her hand at teaching in his facility.  After a few sessions volunteering with 12 men on average, a second class in the minimum security was added. I was blessed by the honesty and compassion of these men week after week for an entire year. I quickly realized that as I served, I was the one whose heart was expanding and was blessed abundantly.

God had made true on His promise. His LOVE was always enough.

The men often shared how the practice was effecting their relationships with their families.  They felt less reactive, more open to believing change was possible and having a more positive outlook on utilizing their time away from their families as an opportunity for personal growth and knowing God in a deeper way.

They were able to connect to their "enough-ness" in a new and consistent way.

In October of 2013 the organization I volunteer with was offered an opportunity to teach the women at the Philadelphia FDC a combination of non-violent communication skills, yoga and meditation.  I have been there almost weekly since and again am encouraged at  the way that God has healed and opened hearts.

This practice has raised my awareness so that I am choosing which thoughts are helpful and which are hurtful.  Because I am choosing to operate wholly much more often, I am choosing love (both for myself and others) and I have found that this has brought me to a new level of self- acceptance and compassion.

The inner journey is now being mirrored in the outer world as I continue to enjoy a strong sense of purpose and meaning, sharing these tools and my personal story.  I continue to pray to be emptied for His use, a channel of His peace.   I am in the midst of my 200-hour yoga teacher training and doors are being opened each week full of opportunities to share with new, hungry, hurting people.

I pray that I be used well to serve in a way that continues to draw and heal hearts back to Our Creator, where one-ness and peace abide.

When He said LOVE your enemies

the enemy within
should not be discharged
after all,
she is your loyal soldier
and wounded healer,
i might add

the lusty dancer in  sweat-soaked silk shirt
desirous of …a legion of lovers
is not the adversary

and yes, the courtroom judge outfitted in
flowing black robes
trailing a whispered "how could you?"
behind

even that dummy in the corner
donning dunce-cap

and what about the jealous one
wishing for
high-powered divisions
in which people respond "how high?"
in reply to your--
"JUMP!"

i really love my small, snarky self
when she wants to arm herself with
your daddy and your sisters
into her own battalion
and wishes you would stop sabotaging both... for once

oh how I love her when she attempts to recruit the
extravagant and fanciful
into her service

as if those trappings could penetrate
and seep into
bones
and vessels
establishing residence
like a marigold seed planted
and prepped by the deluge
for spring's blossoming

yes
i surely do love
the enemy within

she's human and fallible,
imperfect and struggling,
participating exquisitely
and rebelling as necessary

i shall simply wrap her
cozily
in a knitted and yes, undeserved
blanket
and quench her
supposed need
for  gold stars and purple hearts
with a
perfect
cup
of
tea

volcano love

peak ascending skyward
stable and steady like rooted oaks
hot rocks spewing
temps rise
pink lava flows
as if blood mixed with tears
staining the surface
in a streaming fluid
releasing the pent up "strength"
oozing like ketchup squeezed
from plastic packet
until spent
empty
flattened
one with the earth
absorbed

transformed


sheds cocoon -like protective covering
expands colorful wings
north
then south
east
then west
testing legs
still wobbly
trusts an inner knowing

I can FLY
High as the volcano
beyond the rainbow

sanctified

Sanctified

a wise man told me

i was sanctified today

so i returned to the river

coursing through my veins

felt the life that swayed to and fro

like a tiny fishing boat trying to settle

what appears monsoon

may be rainbow

come follow me, said Nazarene

and the damn broke

causing rivulets to bubble up

and stream freely, and I

trusting aqueous intelligence

experienced cana's feast

in acceptance of
the ripe hour

to cast my net

to become

a fisher of

men's souls

I wanted to know when I was being a Jerk

You are inherently, objectively, totally, and forever a daughter or son of God. You cannot gain that or lose that by any achievement or failure whatsoever. God doesn’t participate in the honor/shame system. Christianity’s role is always to tell you that you are  a child of God! Our primary job is to keep proclaiming the true identity of things, and not to create contests whereby some few can attain their identity—if they are good enough.  Yoga and meditation help us have a bodily experience of the Divine alive inside of us!!

But much of religion has bought us right back into the honor/shame system. All we did was change the cultural rules to religious rules. Now there was yet another way to be superior—by being pious, publicly religious, and “moral” about one or two things which are usually not central issues. Yet Jesus’ teachings against status-seeking and building up religious reputation tell us again and again, “Don’t go there!” (Examine Matthew 6:1-21 and Luke 18:9-14.)

I used to be one of those people with a fairly low level of self-awareness and compassion and then I began a meditation practice.  Nice enough….BUT, I used to expect people to know inherently that change was good for them.  If you were my friend, I made it quite clear that you were "NOT ok" just as you are....you probably had some changing to do.  Of course this all stemmed from something deep in me that I  then reflected out into my world.  I am so happy to say that I have learned that not only am I "enough" but that you are too!!


Fortunately, about two years ago because of a  concern over my memory declining, I pursued a holistic approach to helping myself and came across  "How God Changes Your Brain".  This miracle of a book not only taught me how to meditate, but helped me find my calling.  I had spent 5 years after staying home to raise my now teenagers, trying to figure out how best to share my gifts with the world.  Meditation was not only making me a nicer person but I was letting go of the anxiety over whether I had signs of early Alzheimers at 46.  I had a deep desire to bring awareness to when I was being a jerk (joking, but not really).

After about a year of almost daily practice of sitting with intention and following my breath, I had a profound message come through regarding change.  My soul was relaying this in no uncertain terms ;  You have it all WRONG and quite backwards!  God is not waiting to use you when you better resemble Mother Teresa.  God does not want you to work at changing yourself at all. You are already connected, whole and equipped.    All I was being asked to do was practice and show up.  I had been afraid  changing was my responsibility and would be painful.  In actuality, this was a huge relief that God would use me right in the midst of my imperfection, that change would occur pretty painlessly.

It seemed like almost overnight, I was experiencing a deep level of self-compassion.

Now I have a much easier time accepting myself and everyone else exactly as they are. My level of trust and surrender are deepening.  I also  have better control over my thoughts and words which results in more peaceful relationships. An aha! moment for me came at 5a.m. this morning when I realized I always was called to be an agent of change because as Marianne Williamson best said,

'The greatest force of personal liberation is the decision to widen our circle of compassion, moving from focus on self to focus on service.'

But there is no need to muscle it. It's more about surrender and practice. Now I teach meditation and yoga classes weekly in two local prisons sharing my story of God's graciousness.