Living life on the Inhale

So which one are you?

An     I N H A L E R
or
an  E X H A L E R

For approximately 45 years I was an inhaler. I often desired what is not meant for me.  I did not always know this about myself. It's the journey of a lifetime to really and truly know yourself fully isn't it?  I had plenty of negative words bouncing around in my head to describe being an Inhaler.

• Self-absorbed
• Selfish
• Stingy/frugal/cheap
• Egotistical

These are ugly, horrid words that no one in their right mind would readily admit to. But here I am on the 4th day of a new year saying not only did I identify with them but they were often quite accurate. How can I be so certain and so honest about the dark, false side of my nature?  Because by the grace of GOD, I have come to be grounded in the TRUE nature of my being more and more often.

Once I recognized who I was NOT, I found an enormous amount of peace. Once I tasted this PEACE as within my power to remain, it became my intent to protect and enjoy it above all else.

John 14:27 in the NLV states 'I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

When you are an I N H A L E R, you are very troubled and afraid. You are literally gasping for life like it's your last breath. And when you are in fight or flight mode you are panic-stricken by the idea of just LETTING GO.  If I was really honest, I could occasionally admit to being a control freak. And yet, faking control is an unhealthy and immature step on our way to individuation or self-realization.

Without a daily stress-reduction practice  we are in this mode much of the time. The body may be trying to communicate and may manifest in physical ailments like anxiety, IBS, auto-immune disorders, depression, eating disorders among many other symptoms .

Gratefully, I have been practicing yoga and meditation daily for over two years now and can identify with the steadfast, eternal nature of LOVE alive in my heart. I have gone on a journey inward toward the peace the wold cannot give.  There are many names for this: Christ consciousness, Buddha nature, Highest Self, Inner Light, presence. Once we know who we really are (and not just in our mind), but experiencing as an embodied wisdom, we can look non-judgmentally at who we are not. We can genuinely repent for who we are NOT. This means we find ourselves humbled with the full knowledge of our need for salvation by Grace and not our works.

In John 9, Jesus tells us he came to give the blind sight. I can only see my own darkness through the forgiving lens of light in Jesus' eyes.  When I, feeling alone and disconnected, attempt to view my sinful nature, I only end up depressed and irritable.  Real repentance is about CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.  

In her Advent message, Nadia Bolz-Weber said, 'I cannot remain unchanged and expect to have an impact on this broken world.'  Enter the Eastern wisdom traditions instructing us to practice mindfulness.

Alan Watts' book The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety, argues 'The root of our human frustration and daily anxiety is our tendency to live for the future or remain stuck in the past.  What keeps us from happiness is our inability to fully inhabit the present moment.'  
The practice of paying attention to the breath  transforms me, it continues to liberate me from my suffering. It helps me to finally and fully: EXHALE.  

Try it out right now. Full belly inhale to the top of the collarbones to a count of 5. Empty out until the belly contracts for 5. Inhale in all four directions of the torso, not just front and back but side to side. Release the breath pulling the belly to the spine.  

I suspect the EXHALERS out there have their issues too; maybe with accepting love, help, fullness of joy and aliveness. You might give till it hurts, leaving yourself spent and depleted.  Try focusing on expanding with new, fresh breath. We can experience rebirth with our very next breath, becoming a new creation!

In the 4th century, St. Gregory of Nyssa wrote, “What was achieved in the body of Mary will happen in the soul of everyone who receives the Word.” The Word became living breathing flesh! In John 22 we hear, 'He breathed on them and gave them the Holy Spirit.'  Let us find balance as we inhale LIFE/Spirit/Incarnation and exhale tension, desire, attachment and expectation.  The first step to allowing more LIGHT and LOVE in is to surrender and make plenty of room.
#Exhale
Breathing lessons (app) by Carla Ardito recommended

Preferences

I find the Buddhist concept of non-attachment or no preference  fascinating.  While I would like to share my experience of being in Buddha mind, what I recognize is that there remains a subtle desire to stay in Buddha mind. This in and of itself is a sneaky form of desire.

The setting:  a holiday party where family and friends are laughing light-heartedly and I observe more than participate.  The next morning on a walk through the woods with my Golden, I sense the tears building. The energy in the world on what a few days before Christmas feels heavy and occupies an unhealthy place in my brain.  I am confident the cold air and wooded stillness will be the perfect cure.

I breathe and trust the full, emptying exhales.

Ahhh, here it is:  I am envying their laughter and I wonder why some of my days are filled with more tears than laughter. Then I think of the women at the FDC downtown in a high-rise where I volunteer teaching yoga and how sad I feel when I contemplate their inability to participate in nature's healing.  I begin to step on the fallen leaves and say, "With each step my feet kiss the earth in honor and reverence on your behalf."

And then I picture them one by one. The tears are raging now and I hear in my spirit, "They are the same you know: Joy and sadness.  Have no preference because deep emotion brings aliveness."

My ego would just love for me to write about this insight and have it published in a national magazine. Yet there is a subtler message that the world needs to know-- an ordinary mom and wife in South Jersey can find equanimity through daily practice.

Flashback December 23rd 2011: I'm in the Best Buy parking lot and I am having a breakdown (AKA break through!!).    I call my gynecologist because I don't have a therapist and I practically beg her to prescribe something, anything for the pain of being me.  She declines and suggests it is  hormones and holiday overwhelm and I will feel better soon.

I couldn't stand myself any longer-- the mood swings, angry outbursts, and control issues were bad enough but the dark emptiness was threatening to drown me.

I, like so many others, had experienced a childhood wound that required tending but I never knew how harmfully it was impacting my life's choices. I was blind to it.  Mindfulness and deepening Presence imparted new eyes to see.  I had been abandoned at birth by my father and he denies me to this day.  Some days feel like I'm being re-abandoned.

Most days I live with gratitude and wonder for this precious life.

Most days I have a deep TRUST in the goodness of the universe and faith that all will work together for our good.

I have found that sitting in centering prayer meditation has created the space and stillness for God's love and compassion to transform what was ugly into something very beautiful.  He uses the pain as raw material for HIS divine alchemy:  like turing lead to GOLD.

What absolutely is not helpful? Judgment and shame.

Each time one of those feelings or thoughts arises we notice them, say thank you and B R E A T HE. It is in this space we allow  LOVE to arise.

I am grateful that my wildly- beating heart is smiling a genuine smile.  There resides in me a tenderness and compassion for all and a connection to God's beautiful mystery. A lie about separation has been perpetuated.  This work and transformation needs to begin inside where all is interconnected.

Maybe you can identify where you are still holding onto a "story or grudge or victim" mentality?

I now feel more like the real me: which feels like freedom...or like a canary singing just because she has a song.

Mindfulness practices have deepened my faith and now I am blessed to share my unique gifts with others, journeying together on this beautiful path full of twists and turns, yet finding the treasure at each juncture.  May 2015 bring you deep awareness of the preciousness of life and may you THRIVE!!!!

JOY in Solemnity

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
Wisdom from U2

Yin/Yang
Inhale/ Exhale
Day/Night

Last night my loving husband of 22 years spoke truth to my heart. And it hurt like HELL. But apparently was exactly what I needed to hear from the person who loves me most.

"I don't understand where this self-loathing comes from. You used to be so confident in your intelligence. I think for some reason, you don't feel worthy of how very smart you are."

OUCH!

Tears sprang to my eyes because he had hit the nail on the head.  And I actually thought I had made so much progress on my healing path, addressing my abandonment wound over the past two years. A memory of the words that sprang  from my heart in meditation shouted "There is no EFFIN path! There is only HERE and  NOW.  Show up in the  way that I have taught you.  With compassion and LOVE for yourSELF, without judgment. Period."  Yep...God said "EFFIN".

Lord knows, I don't curse.

My children  had felt their  mother’s sense of unfulfilled, unrealized potential, and the emptiness inside that she occasionally tried to fill with wine, shopping, or gossip.  Yet I knew that she hadn’t found the truth that she was looking for.   All the while looking for attention in the world as the ego dragged her around with its lame attempts at wholeness and healing.  But the ego was disconnected from the True Self. How do I know this?  None of it worked!

We much prefer joy over sadness and yet they are inextricably related.  I have awoken with anxiety each morning for months now. The challenge for me  was to trust that a daily crying/meditation practice was necessary to simply BE ME, the natural one.  Then one day in the shower, it hit me-- the anxiety is a gift. My body's natural intelligence was  relaying a need to release and connect through centering prayer.  I have begun each day in the presence of the LIVING GOD.

I used to stuff the negative emotions down, hoping they would disappear. But energy never just evaporates. It settles into the body and for me manifested as infertility, IBS, depression, PMDD, loss of 4 teeth, and insomnia.  But, it can only be shifted and transformed, with awareness and mindfulness practices like yoga. I am grateful to share that I have NEVER been healthier and no longer suffer from any of these physical conditions.

I have  come to realize that denying  my wounds and faults has kept me from being my authentic self; that the quest is full of 'On my knees in humility' moments that can turn into days.   Just last month I failed my yoga teacher training written exam. Not once, but TWICE!!   Staying with the question, not needing an answer just yet, I waited.  After a few days I recognized a disconnect:  

For 4 years I had put off yoga teacher training out of fear around failing the exam.  All my prior scholastic and career successes- 5th in my HS graduating class, finance degree and 12 years in commercial banking had been erased while I stayed home, raising our now teenagers. I didn't "feel" smart  any longer and my mind convinced me I should play very small.   Maybe you can relate?

During the training my most frequent prayer  had been for God to create in me a humble teacher.  How did I think She was going to accomplish this?? 

• Failure
• Darkness
• Self-loathing
• Anxiety

All kindling for the internal fire of transformation.  So in the stillness of my practice, I continued to surrender.

The " I am not good enough" voice in the head is that of a frightened little girl. I acknowledge it simply as resistance to change, a fear of losing my center——  "Authentic competence has arisen" said the deeper, truer voice and so I begin....to  dare to be brilliant and wild.

I would like to share this "dark" poem I penned after learning of my failure on 11/1, All Souls Day,  after 7 months of hard work and dedication to the practice I  love.

Hallowing the Day of the Dead

heart wails

bounce off dingy, urine-scented  walls.

spiders scrutinize and hold vigil,

as I lie prone.

bowels twist like fishtail braid.

darkness arriving to shroud and

eclipse my soul.

despair

building

momentum.

resolutely, the will

to feel-

shame mostly, demands

attention.

anger cloaked in blame

masquerading itself

disguised and unrecognizable.

corner of veil lifts.

anarchy commences

malevolent, restless ones threaten insemination.

barrenness echoes a prayer:

"impregnate from the enchanted souls lying beneath the earth!"

YOU, the Christ!

Enter and shed eternal light.

I choose to carry your salvation

In all its Crowning glory.

I choose resurrection and hope.

I choose love.

I choose 

LIFE.

MY LIFE

My Truth and Peace lie in the shadows, the interplay between light and dark, joy and solemnity.  I heard in my spirt on my mat a few days later, "Meet Grace".  I took that to mean I was being re-birthed with a new name.  God sure answers prayers. I think She especially likes to grant the ones that begin with
 "Humble Me".

Anita Grace

Being a listener

I like to tell myself that I have become a great listener(after years of practice)-- very present indeed, says the ego.

And it is true, my mind used to be on near constant fast forward-- worrying about what I would say next, completely unfocused. I am sure I was quite annoying with my constant interruptions. One of my favorite benefits of mindfulness meditation has been improved relationships as I continue to enjoy conversations that dive deep.

But unfortunately it was just a few months back that a dear friend shared something very shameful and I actually changed the subject.  But the oddest part for me was that I wasn't even aware I did it, until hours later in meditation.  While my friend was speaking I was actually tuning him out and pretending I couldn't hear him.  The following is a general and shortened recap of how this conversation played out.

You: an uncle hurt me in the basement. I was just a helpless child.

Me: pass the bread please

You: it was a pattern. The men in my family passing on their pain this way.

Me:  isn't the coffee good here?

You:  yes, this breakfast is great.

I sit and I recall on my meditation cushion (as the spaces between the breath remind me)  all the times I could not/would not be present to your pain.

Inhale: density molds my heart. It's strings tightening like the lacing of a shoe.

Exhale: stay.

Inhale: breath transcends my shame softening and loosening the ties that bind.

Exhale: my mind softens.

Inhale: my sense of failure forgiven

Exhale: God smiling in my heart!

Inhale: it bubbled up to spread across my face

I texted you a sincere apology for my rudeness. You extended a very gracious, "you are forgiven".  I am blessed to have friends who give me many chances to be better.

Have there been times you were faced with an awkward situation and found yourself handling it really poorly. Did you beat yourself up? I'm curious...

Why Thanksgiving cannot commence until my Peace is restored

It's Thanksgiving morning and I am filled with gratitude for my beautiful family and looking forward to our day ahead spent together with our loved ones. And yet, something is nagging at my heart that keeps me from heading out to the football game just yet.

I stay back to pray, meditate and listen.

There is so much the heart wants to say!  But how much time do we allocate to our inner communication?  The mind is so bossy!


If I can sit and settle, allowing my breath to guide me deeper, a new voice arises and it usually has a bodily sensation or reaction attached to it. Oftentimes, it is tears releasing a known or unknown sadness. Other times, I can tap into an area of tightness or tension, sending breath and awareness there and then I wait...

Thanksgiving Eve I taught a yoga class in Camden at our new, beautiful Kroc community center.  Enter two women who have never practiced and I am excited because sharing yoga with beginners really lights me up. I ask Rita how her day was and she says ,"Rough".  I say that I am sorry and ask if she will celebrate Thanksgiving to which she replies, "No".

I am sad but decide to begin class and get them centered, then moving energy.

I begin by telling them a bit about myself and my teaching at the prison in Philadelphia in the women's unit.  I share that the week before a woman spoke of being more free now while incarcerated because of her yoga and meditation practices, than while on the streets and stuck in the lies and stories in her head.

Rita (name changed) begins to quietly cry and I share, "Your yoga mat is meant to absorb as much tears as sweat. I should know, I have shed many tears on my mat over the years."  I tell them my hope is that the practice feels like:
-a visit to the therapist
-attending church
-a great workout at the gym
Yoga can achieve these three all at once and is one of the main reasons why I love to teach.

By the end, Rita is laughing at herself and moving with ease. The change in her countenance is palpable and I am relieved.  We chat about how she didn't always want this life, she remembers at 17 almost attaining her GED and wanting to find a meaningful career. But she had a baby, the father went to prison and shortly after, she herself was rounded up in a drug raid and put away. Now at 33 she can't find a job because of her record. She spends days holed up in a ball just trying to stay clean and out of trouble as her daughter lives a life on the streets. She occasionally gets to Sacred Heart church and loves the music, it makes her feel hopeful.

She says she can relate to so much I said, especially feeling like she is imprisoned in her own mind. The Kroc opening almost 2 months ago in her neighborhood has been a blessing as she comes most days to get out of the house.

Meeting Rita feels like divine intervention. The old voice in my head says something like  "You can help her" but the new deeper, truer voice KNOWS that her words will change my heart and that only God can help but I CAN LOVE.

I now know enough  about the sadness that can make me into a person I am not.  I have suffered from moodiness my entire life. I know I need to release the depressive energy before I emanate it to someone else.  I don't leave my home Thanksgiving until noon after having  shed tears for Rita's lot in life and prayed that God continues to feed her body and soul just enough sustenance to make it another day.  She is the first of many I will encounter and hold space for.

God speaks life into me and allows me to go forth in love to embrace and enjoy the ones closest to my heart.

The Surrender

finding ease
the breath carries me
beyond doubt
into quiet emptiness

here lies safety
amidst the
jealousy
comparisons and
desires for fame and fortune

yet god understands the ego's needs
we are only asked to look at them
one by one
surrendering their grip on our hearts
we expand into
His Grace
where our smallness is
nourished
until we, no longer disconnected
from our source,
experience ONE-NESS

and the fear trickles out

where I and God and You
merge

dualism is a lie
there is nowhere i can hide where God does not find
console, and caress me
dry my tears
in this body
now

hallowing the day of the dead

heart wails
bounce off dingy, urine-scented  walls
spiders scrutinize and hold vigil
as I lie prone

bowels twist like fishtail braid
darkness arriving to shroud and
eclipse my soul
despair
building
momentum


resolutely the will
to feel-
shame mostly, demands
attention
anger cloaked in blame
masquerading itself
disguised and unrecognizable

corner of veil lifts
anarchy commences

malevolent, restless ones threaten insemination
barrenness echoes a prayer:
"impregnate from the enchanted souls lying beneath the earth!"

YOU, the Christ!
Enter and shed eternal light
I choose to carry your salvation
In all its Crowning glory
I choose resurrection and hope
I choose love
I choose 
LIFE
MY LIFE